My life is chaos right now, and I don’t think I’ve been handling it very well.

Let’s see…there’s

The Out-of-my-Control Chaos:

• Terrible back pain to where I can hardly walk some days
• Inability to open my own sliding doors or open jars or open pretty much anything these days
• My increasing dropping of things, so I had to buy yet another case for my phone and had to repair the camera lenses (like for the 10th time, no joke)
• My instability and propensity for falling
• WAITING on Africa legal cases
• WAITING on Disability case
• Getting charged $ 2,500 for lab work this week

And there’s…

The Self-Induced Chaos:

• Writing Substack articles, happily and for free - but they still take time and effort.
• Selling my book, Waltzing with Elephants. I have collected sufficient promo materials (minus one sign) and am attending every market, book fair, arts fair, etc., that I can feasibly get to. It’s A LOT of work, but it pays back the most financially. It also allows me to connect with really cool people and have great conversations with them.
• Writing my novel. I’m a little halfway through the novel intensive course I’ve been taking since August, AND I just joined a challenge to write 50,000 words in November (for other writers, it’s NaNoWriMo but with Reedsy.com)!
• I’m taking a 4-month public speaking course and am in the middle of writing my keynote speech. I am currently offering to speak for free in front of schools, nurses, mental health clinics, churches, youth groups, etc., if anyone knows of a place that they think could benefit from listening to my story.
• I am tutoring a little Chinese girl three times a week in English.
• David. My lovely, wonderful significant other who is indeed a full-time job all by himself.

And now on top of everything else…

My house is torn to bits.

We hired some contractors back in January to remodel our kitchen because two of our cabinets fell on my head (literally - right off the wall. I held them with my neck and arms for a bit, but I couldn’t reach my phone to call for help and ended up having to let them crash to the floor. Everything made of glass shattered on impact, and David has never let me live it down!) Anyway - we hired these guys in January, and they just started on our house three weeks ago in October.

It has been a nightmare for me.

I know it sounds so silly to be so upset and affected by this. But two major rooms in the house have been gutted; all the items in those rooms are now everywhere else, but since we live in a small home, our furniture and things are literally lying on top of each other in towering piles. We do have boxes piled as well. Even I can barely squeeze through the hallway, and it’s especially tough for David. Add the animals and well, yeah.

We can make food with our rice cooker, hot water pot, and crockpot - but it’s such a pain to clean up in the bathroom sink after using them that we have resorted to mostly junk food (apparently, I’ve been eating trail mix and gluten-free Cheez-Its for weeks now - no wonder I’ve gained weight!). In all honesty, we mainly eat frozen meals, and I use the microwave to heat up my coffee that I perpetually forget about.

The mess stresses me out soooooo much.

But the worst part is having strange men in my house and the never-ending noise. I’m having flashbacks again, and the hammering, the jackhammering, the sawing, the drilling all just fill my mind up like a painful balloon that feels like any second it’s going to pop, and I’m going to fizzle and flop useless on the ground. And the constant barking from my sweet but overzealous service dog. She wholeheartedly believes every second they are about to hurt me.

Honestly, all I want to do is join my cat under the bed. But I can’t because I have no room to work. And I hurt. And the house is shaking, and I have a fear of being squished.

David? He doesn’t mind a thing. Loves everything that’s being done. Construction is in his bones. “It’ll be so much better!” he says. “Just you wait!”

But then, it’s not.

Last week, they painted the kitchen a blue that I at first found lovely on the little paper thingy at Lowes. But it looks like a baby boy’s nursery just vomited all over the walls now. It’s hideous. “Don’t worry! We can fix it!” David promises. Also, we paint better than these guys. By a LOT.

A couple of days ago, they installed the new flooring in the kitchen. It’s a beautiful light gray laminate, but we realized they didn’t even out the floorboards like they were supposed to. There is still a decided lean to a fifth of the floor.

Our house is old and in all the worst ways.

And yesterday they installed all the upper cabinets. Except….the cabinets are 12 inches shorter than what we ordered, and they put the area for the stove in the same place (which we had discussed multiple times needed to be moved down), and they COMPLETELY screwed up the cabinets around the refrigerator.

I just want to cry.

Well, like every day, but today is worse. They’ll have to fix it, but it just means that their supposed 3-week deadline will now turn into months. Because they have to reorder and redo.

Between just being so unhappy and not being able to work with all the noise and the PTSD rattling in my brain at a time when I have A LOT I am working on, I just wish I could leave and go elsewhere until it’s finished. Fiji? France? Finland? David says, “This is adulting, babe.” And I know it. And of course I’ll stay.

I’m genuinely sorry for being so negative.

But I’m going to lose my f***ing mind. And I’ve already done that a few times, so I really, really, really don’t want it to happen again. I’ve been in a good space this year. I’m well enough to start my own business and to be writing and working on lots of things (which was my M.O. before I got too physically and mentally ill).

I’m just afraid and worried about a lot of things. I am that alligator in the beginning comic.

So! With all that ranted out…

I found some more grounding techniques that I am going to try out this week. If you’re living in chaos too, let’s make a goal of trying one of these things each day for the next eight days. We can keep each other accountable so we don’t forget!

Mental Exercises

Thank you to Therapist Aid for these suggestions! These are great to use if you can’t take your mind off uncomfortable/painful thoughts/feelings or if you’re paralyzed and can’t get anything done because of fear or panic. These are all discreet exercises and are easy to use at nearly any time or place (no one will ever know).

1. Name all the objects you see. Literally. Not just, “the car, the jeans, the umbrella, etc.” But “the car…oh there’s a scratch and it looks like a gorilla took off the back bumper… or the jeans…but also the seam in the jeans, and the tiny rip you see in a delicate area…or the umbrella but notice how it’s fighting with the wind and oh-whoops-it just turned inside out.” Add the details. They matter and will make your mind more engaged.
2. Describe the steps in performing an activity you know how to do well. Maybe you’re an expert at tying knots. Maybe you’re like David and are great at building things. You could describe the steps in riding a horse, including the before and after. Describe how you do one of your tasks at work. Explain how to cook a meal. How to give a speech or make a candle or write a book or weave a basket. So many options!
3. Count backwards from 100. And then count backwards from 100 BY 7.
4. Pick up an object and describe it in detail. Describe its color, texture, size, weight, scent, and any other qualities you notice.
5. Spell your full name (include that maiden one too!), AND THE NAMES OF THREE OTHER PEOPLE backwards.
6. Name all your family members, their ages, and one of their favorite activities. Don’t forget your extended family too!
7. Read something backwards, letter-by-letter. Like you’re doing phonics again, but you know, backwards. Apparently doing things backwards is the cure to all stress.
8. Think of an object and “draw” it in your mind, or in the air with your finger. I wonder if drawing in my mind will be a hell of a lot easier than drawing with my fingers because I SUCK. I can’t even draw stick people in proportion.

Remember, just one a day. See which one works best for you. I’m trying the drawing one today!

I know it’s tough out there. I know we are all weighed down with worries and concerns and fears. I’m right there with you. I see you.

Keep on keeping on, friends.