Blog: Taken from my SubStack newsletter, Mental Wellness

I haven’t been able to travel much this year…ok, none since last August. My PTSD has been impossible to work with, and my body has been disintegrating this year at the rate a freight train barrels through a tunnel. A couple of weeks ago I had a thoracic epidural which ended up giving me relief from the immense pain I’ve had in my upper back and shoulder. The next day was literally the first full pain-free day I’ve had in over 7 months. Living with chronic pain and chronic illness is just not...

I never hear this term anymore, but my mom, sister, and I always used to call her mother a “Worrywort” because Granny was incessantly worrying over big things, little things, and nothings. Sadly, it was quite debilitating for her. Now, we know she suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I feel terrible for calling her that as a child.

And yet this morning, I find myself turning the same term over in my mind and applying it to my own tendencies. I have been excessively worrying these...

Life is tenuous at best, cut short at worst.

No guarantees, warranties, certainties.

No life insurance for the one who has passed on.

No medals or awards or ceremonies or validation or vindication at your death.

You can’t take anything you’ve worked so hard for, toiled for, bled for with you.

You may believe in an afterlife, which might give you some comfort. I hope it does. But at the end of the day, you neither know when it’s your time to go, how you’ll go, or if you’ll continue on past this...

I have done this exercise multiple times in group therapy sessions as well as on my own, and it has been really helpful. If you practice yoga, it reminds me of Shavasana.

I have taken this script from TherapistAid.com’s worksheet, which you can find here. They have a lot of really wonderful resources!

EXERCISE

Over the next several minutes, you will focus on the physical sensations throughout your body. These sensations might be the feeling of clothes on your skin, tension within your muscles,...

Last Wednesday, I was an active volcano, one that exploded with fantastic fire and steam, then burbled black lava grossly for the rest of the day and week.

It wasn’t pretty, and I’m so embarrassed because getting angry is just not a very me thing to do. I’m usually very patient and reasonable and forgiving and understanding…ask anyone who knows me!

But oh, I don’t know…

• all the doctors who don’t believe me and act like I’m crazy when nothing is “wrong” on my tests,
• the injustice of my criminal...

Photo is by Ahmed Badawy on Unsplash

After being hacked a few weeks ago because of responding to an organization’s request for a job interview after I applied, I have finally decided I am done. Done trying to find a part-time, remote, flexible job that barely makes any money but that will make me feel useful. And thankfully, my boyfriend is on board and is supportive and said in exasperation, “Why don’t you just focus on your writing? Like make it into a job?” I laughed a little. Knowing it...

Two posts ago, I talked about the trip to Africa that I am about to go on in less than a week, and my last post offered lessons I have learned about traveling with medical and mental health struggles, specifically during the planning of this trip. Now, here are some more lessons that I’ve learned and lived through during the years I was in eastern Europe and east Asia and my other travels to 31 countries. They should be applicable to anyone and everyone when traveling internationally!

Note:...

In my last post, I discussed my travel plans to Africa, which are coming up in a week. Traveling with mental and medical illnesses DOES make traveling extra stressful, but not impossible. I think just recognizing that it will take a lot more time and energy than it would for a “normal” person and planning for it accordingly makes travel more accessible to us.

Here are lessons that I have learned during the planning of this trip to Africa (I am sure I will have more post-trip!), as well as...

So, I’m going to Africa in a couple of weeks.

For a month.

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Alone.

I swear I am not totally crazy (though we have established I am at least a little), and I swear that I’m not just being irresponsibly impulsive.

WHEN DID I START THINKING ABOUT THIS TRIP?

Well, when my ex and I sold our house in Maryland this past February, I set some of my money aside for a big...

I have recently been watching Brilliant Minds with my mom and grandmother. I love this show because it is all about solving medical mysteries, and the protagonist, Dr. Wolf, is a unique, brilliant doctor who does everything he can to understand and help his patients (what I would give to have a doctor like this in real life!). Dr. Wolf has a history of trauma and lives with a disease that prevents him from recognizing faces called prosopagnosia or Face Blindness. He also struggles with not...

Sorry for the radio silence, folks.

After job hunting full-time since March (including 87+ applications, a dozen interviews in-person and on zoom, as well as multiple scams), I finally landed a job a couple of weeks ago with a trust and estates law firm in California. Despite the arduous one-month process of negotiations that involved sending/receiving over a hundred emails with the recruiter, compiling references from past jobs that apparently no longer give references, completing background...

Well, I feel like I’m losing my mind today (not a terribly unusual occurrence).

I’ve been complaining to my psychiatrist and my therapist that I get so overwhelmed some days that I become paralyzed. The paralyzed feeling then seems to overpower me even more, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get anything done. That fact that it feels like a million things need to be done immobilizes me even further.

It’s akin to what I feel when I am in a crisis. Fight, flight or freeze is the...

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”--William Shakespeare

I know I tend to talk about hard things…things from my past, things I’m going through now, lessons I’ve learned and am learning. But today I just want to talk about the wonderful love and support I receive from the people in my life and how I am brimming over with gratitude.

IN THE PAST:

I have made many friends and relationships...

I have a new therapist.

I seem to go through them like a kid who has a new stash of Halloween candy, or like a washing machine or dryer that eats socks. At this point, I’ve easily seen dozens of therapists.

I promise I don’t just discard them willy-nilly. And I’m not just being a difficult client. Finding a new therapist is honestly like being on a dating app. You see someone you think you’ll like, and after one date, you realize “Hell no.” Or you and the therapist get along, but life just...

My friend sent me this Harry Potter clip in regards to her frustration with a man in her life, and I couldn’t help but giggle. I told her that we, like Hermione, definitely don’t seem to have problems with our emotional capacity. It is chock-full of all the feelings. And we laughed.

But the more I thought about the clip, the more I realized that I am actually more like Ron. Maybe not in my emotional capacity. But certainly in my capacity to handle stress.

WHAT DO I MEAN?

I mean that my capacity...

Well, I have been trying to write a post on coping strategies vs. maladaptive behaviors, but this week has become a series of unfortunate events that has rendered me completely useless it seems. I didn’t sleep at all last night and hard as I tried, I couldn’t write down a dang, cotton-pickin’ (there’s my Southern coming out) word on my well-thought-out and researched blog post.

So, fuck it.

You get sleepless stream-of-consciousness instead.

It’s amazing to me how little things morph into such...

Sometimes the depression creeps back in.

Sometimes the anxiety overwhelms and paralyzes me.

Sometimes I feel like I am all alone and I have no future and the fear and sadness submerge me in their darkness.

Sometimes I know I should fight, but I just don’t have the energy.

Sometimes it’s really hard to love myself since everything cries out to me that it’s all my fault, that I don’t deserve happiness or love, that I provide no value.

Sometimes the lies are just too much.

...

My heart and mind have been in such chaos this week. Just so much pain. It’s hard to see around it, it’s so big.

I’ve been trying to use this exercise to help me calm myself. Our minds and bodies are so intertwined that sometimes if you’re able to “fix” one, it “fixes” the other for you.

I can’t soothe my mind and heart, but I can quiet my body. Maybe it will help you too.

The “CALM” Exercise

This exercise will help you relax muscles that are tense due to stress. As the word “CALM” is used here,...

Well, practicing what I preach is really hard sometimes.

I’ve been doing so well these past three months. I’ve felt capable and confident and creative again. I’ve not had depression’s ugly claws sunk in to me and honestly, I haven’t really struggled with anxiety either. I’ve been mostly healthy mentally and physically and it’s been such a relief, especially after this past year. I honestly never thought I could heal, that I was too broken. But I have come a long way, I have made great strides...

My therapists at the first PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program - if you want to read about that story…) practiced this technique with us. The following is taken directly from TherapistAid.com’s Progressive Muscle Relaxation Script:

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“Progressive muscle relaxation is an exercise that reduces stress and anxiety in your body by having you slowly tense and then...