“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”--William Shakespeare

I know I tend to talk about hard things…things from my past, things I’m going through now, lessons I’ve learned and am learning. But today I just want to talk about the wonderful love and support I receive from the people in my life and how I am brimming over with gratitude.

IN THE PAST:

I have made many friends and relationships along my life’s road…friends from church, from college, from dance, from my overseas travels, from therapy, and from all the many places I’ve lived.

Many of these friends have come and gone in my life, like whispers spoken on a breeze.

Some of these friends, my truly stalwart ones, remain, fixed and immovable, stubbornly grounding my roots with theirs for decades. They are the ones who have seen me at my worst and at my best:

• ·my mom who gave me life and saved my life
• my sister who loves me despite not understanding me
• my cousins who lead crazy busy lives replete with children and families and work but who still make time for me
• my three closest girlfriends who have stood by me no matter the existential crises I’ve had or the medical disasters I get in or the men that I date (that they inevitably always disapprove of)

Other relationships have been shallower and shorter but just as meaningful.

I used to be very intentional about building relationships, and I held onto each of them tightly. I used to overextend myself trying to keep in touch with everyone, even after one or both of us moved or when one or both of us changed and it no longer made sense to be friends. Once my brain and body started to break down, I finally recognized that I just couldn’t keep up with everyone, even though I wanted to so desperately. I used to feel so guilty about that.

There are still people in my life that I regret letting go, but I’ve come to expect and accept it for what it is. My ex-mother-in-law and now-just-good-friend has taught me that relationships are for a reason or a season. They come and go, enriching my life and then falling out of it after a few months or a few years.

But I remember each and every one. I’ve also learned that not everyone wants to make the effort to remain friends and that’s ok too. I am reminded that people are people are people, even my loved ones, and they will and may disappoint me and hurt me along the way. But that doesn’t mean our relationship has to end, though in some cases it has forced them to.

THIS LAST YEAR

It’s not always other people who let go of our friendship or who are too toxic for me to keep.

Because of how deep my depression was last year, I stopped reaching out and could not find it in me to be with people, even the ones I was closest to. I isolated myself because I didn’t have the energy to do anything but survive moment by moment. I was also afraid of just being a downer and ruining any social situation I was in. So, I was silent and absent. This is what depression does. It eats you up, devours those placed in your life, lies to you about how you are a burden and not a blessing, and consumes whatever hope and help is out there, especially from the people in your life you love the most.

It's horrible.

Being in the hospital last September was a big wake-up call. My mom, sister, three cousins, and four close friends not only saved my life, but they punched through the walls that had grown up around me and forced their way to my heartside, literally and emotionally. They were there for me in ways I neither deserved nor could understand. I hated myself so much that I couldn’t fathom how or why they could love me. I felt sad and guilty for hurting them, and it would have made so much sense for them to just let me go.

But for the first time in my life, my eyes were truly opened to how much they wanted to be part of my life. To be honest, I’m still in shock, but I am learning how and trying to allow them to shower love, forgiveness, and acceptance on me. Even when I have nothing to give back.

THIS PAST WEEK

I’ve been traveling. This specific group of people that I just mentioned is all on the East Coast, so when I travel up north, I try to visit them all. It’s been an eye-opener to see how far I’ve come. When any of them tells me they love me, I actually believe it now. They welcome me to be a part of their lives, which I feel so honored to be. They are my biggest cheerleaders, but they are also the ones to tell me hard truths, things I need to improve on, and reminders that I can’t do it alone. I know if I need anything, I can ask for help, and they will do everything in their power to support me. It’s been a joy to hug them and love them back as best as I can.

THIS YEAR (SINCE JANUARY)

This year has gifted me new friends.

There is an elderly gentleman who I met in therapy and who I now see regularly. He has beautiful stories of his marriage of 62 years, as well as crazy ones of working in Antarctica. We talk about life and share books and play Phase 10.

I’ve also met a woman in my dental office – my hygienist! – who has her own mental health journey to speak of, and we both recognize a connection that we can’t ignore between us. We have the same diagnoses and our meeting seems truly serendipitous.

My best friend’s husband and stepson have also been a sweet blessing. I feel like I’ve gained two brothers.

Since I published my book, Waltzing with Elephants, I’ve also had the gift of old friends reaching out and reconnecting with me. Friends that I just assumed were gone for good. Friends that played wonderful parts in my life of before, but friends who had slowly drifted in the background, our lives separated and widened by marriages and moves.

I have been flabbergasted.

I’ve caught up with

• a friend I met often when I returned back to the states back in 2012. She and I went to the same college, but had never been friends during that time. We started meeting for coffee every week, and she became a balm to my soul when I was dealing with major reverse culture shock. She is now married to a lovely person who also loves cats and board games.
• an old physical therapist who literally kept my body from falling apart after shoulder and hip surgeries. We shared a love for dancing, but he also taught me how to love a good whiskey.
• a friend who I met and lived with during my Macedonian teaching days. She has traveled the world too, but now lives in New Zealand with her husband.
• a church friend who was the mother of one of my best friends in grade school but then became a close friend of mine when I lived overseas. I visited her and her husband in Germany a few times, and they both showed incredible kindness and generosity to me.
• my great aunt, one of the sisters of my beloved grandmother who died of Alzheimers. She’s been one of the biggest surprises and blessings to me.
• a Russian-Israeli couple whom I used to teach English to. I helped them immigrate to Canada and now they have a son who I’m sure is just as brilliant as they are.
• good friends/neighbors I lived beside in Virginia and Maryland
• My youth pastor and his wife, who were very influential in my life when I was growing up.
• A swing dance buddy who has tenaciously sought me out, with all the pizzazz of an old friend who never stopped loving me and never gave up on me, even when I’ve been difficult to find.
• A very good friend from college/contra dance days who has also come to me wanting to be a part of my life again, like the old days. He’s had his own crazy journey of career changes.
• A childhood friend who I used to play hours of Barbies with. She has shared her medical and mental health journey with me and we now play with fountain pens instead of Barbies, haha! Her mother has also been a good friend of mine since I was very little.
• My very first boyfriend who I thought I had lost forever. He has reentered my life and quite literally taken my breath away with his kindness and willingness to bear witness and remember shared memories and moments.

It has been so humbling to hug these people. They have comforted me, enriched me, taught me, supported me. I am so full of thankfulness that they have made the effort to reach out to me and let me be a part of their lives again and vice versa.

Telling some or all of my story over and over again to these friends has been hard. Sometimes I literally shake when I have to talk about my deepest wounds. But I tell them because they want to hear it, they ask to share in these parts that have hurt and defined me, they accept the painful bits and don’t reject me because it makes them uncomfortable or because I made choices they never would have. They have, each in their own ways, fervently told me that “whatever I need, I have them and they will do their best to be there for me.” I am usually speechless by that point.

We have all matured a bit, gotten older, grew a little bit fatter, learned lessons the hard and easy ways. We all have strengths we can share with each other. We all have struggles, too, but they are all made more bearable because we are saying to one another, “I’m there for you. Make me a part of your struggle too so that our burdens are lighter.”

THE SAD TRUTH

I have learned that when it comes to relationships, the ones that cause the most pain seem to be familial ones:

• my dad, who abandoned his family when I was 12 and then later committed suicide;
• my church family, who judged me, brainwashed me, traumatized me, and turned their faces away from me;
• my maternal grandpa, who was so racist and hateful that he didn’t speak to me for 15 years after I dated a Nigerian man;
• an ex-fiance, who abused me verbally, emotionally, and sexually;
• my ex-husband, who couldn’t love me or stay married to me because of my mental and medical illnesses (I am not judging him…it just has been the most painful thing I’ve ever faced, and I’m still struggling through the aftermath);
• my uncle, who was always a father figure to me, but now is strangely silent and absent because I cause him to remember things that are just too painful (I don’t blame him…I understand why, but that doesn’t make the hurt go away).

I truly do not hold a grudge against any of these people. I have forgiven them and made my peace. I’m simply showing that not all my relationships/friendships have been good or beneficial. Or they were for a time, but then ceased.

I try to take both the good and the terrible memories I have with them and recognize that they are a part of me now. I can’t ignore them because that has resulted in PTSD. I can’t dwell on them either though because that just leads to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. So I try to look at these memories like I’m window-shopping. I may spend a moment gazing or thinking about them, but then I move on, and focus on the positive relationships I have right now. Like Bob Marley once said, “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”

I’ve lived a lot of life and lived in a lot of places. There have been people in my life who have hurt me, tried to control me, tried to destroy me. There have been people who made me want to kill myself. My cynicism for humanity seems only to grow with every year that passes, but especially when I am in one of my depression slumps.

TODAY

Despite my cynicism, I can’t help but recognize that my precious friendships outweigh the difficult ones by far. My old and new friends and family members have reminded me, simply by their presence, that life is not all bad. They have reminded me that I am not alone, that I don’t have to fight my demons all by myself, that I am worth loving. They have proven over and above that life is worth living, and we are meant to hold each other up through the highs and lows and all the in-betweens. They have made life that much sweeter, that much more meaningful.

I recognize most people can’t travel up and down the East Coast visiting friends and family over two-week hiatuses from work and responsibilities. But I encourage you to reach out to someone you love today. Someone who is in your life and maybe someone who used to be in your life. Send them a line telling them “thank you!” for how they have touched your life and made it better. Send them a virtual hug or give them a real one. Without them, I’m proof we’d never make it.

Keep on keeping on, friends.