This week I’ve been so stressed.

Hurtful Thoughts…

Bittersweet Memories…

Frustrations…

Injustices…

Unmet expectations…

Overwhelming tasks…

Self-induced deadlines I can’t meet…

Oh, and a whole bunch of men will be in my house remodeling my kitchen (for weeks!) starting on Monday, which apparently has become WAY MORE anxiety-inducing than I expected. Probably because Africa has been at the forefront of my mind recently, with my criminal and civil cases becoming active again.

It’s been so bad that I’ve been shaky and irritable and have had a full-body flare-up. I’ve even been impatient with my sweet service dog, Petunia! I am honestly never impatient or irritable.

And my cussing has gotten out of control. My partner David thinks it’s cute, but I don’t think anyone else does.

My cat caught a bird yesterday, a beautiful little brown sparrow, and I held it in my hands until it passed on. I could feel its little heartbeats fade and watched its last little breath. I burst into tears and afterwards was really proud of myself for crying. How ridiculous. But that’s how warped I am when it comes to showing emotion. (When it went on and on, though, some part of my brain recognized that I’m not just crying about the bird, but I’m finally crying about my Papa, who recently died too).

That little bird and my murderous asshole of a cat made my heart hurt so much.

I KNOW I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE

I know you know

• this tight, harried feeling of always being behind,
• the choking feelings that come with anxiety when nothing is going as it should be,
• the pent-up angst (and maybe not pent-up!) at expensive groceries, maniacs who can’t drive in parking lots, never-ending appointments that now charge you when life happens and you can’t make it on time, family members who just won’t do what you’ve asked them to do a million times, people who don’t respect your boundaries, knowing you should have set boundaries but haven’t, social expectations on how you should be involved in holidays that you may or may not even like (not me, I love Halloween)….oh my the list can go on and on and on.

And in reality, this stuff is all silly and really shouldn’t be so anxiety-inducing. But it piles up. And up. And it insidiously grinds your gears because it’s every day, all the time, sprinkled in amongst everything else you’re doing in your life.

And it’s exacerbated when you don’t sleep well or when you’re sick. But it’s also exaggerated when you’re grieving or when you have a pre-existing condition of PTSD and your nervous system is just always in fight-or-flight mode.

I don’t know about you, but I scream in my head a lot.

I cuss out loud a lot. I can’t seem to find other words to fit the immense volcano bubbling up inside me.

I become a version of me that is not really me, and I HATE how out-of-control I feel over my brain and my body, but also at how life is just a whirling vortex swarming around me that I can’t do anything about.

I hate most of all this helpless feeling.

God, I need a vacation from me. From life. Just to get my equanimity back.

REMEDIAL ACTION

Since vacation isn’t happening this week, what else can I do to not be a victim to my circumstances or my brain/body, which are both being stupid? I can’t control so much of my life, so what CAN I control? Right now?

I came across a new grounding technique that I am trying out and thought I would share. You know - when you can’t or shouldn’t drink a Godfather (my drink of choice) or take Valium. Let me introduce (drum roll…):

CATEGORIES

Instructions: Choose at least three of the categories below and name as many items as you can in each one. Spend a few minutes on each category to come up with as many items as possible.

• Movies
• Sports Teams
• Animals
• Countries
• Colors
• Cities
• Books
• Cars
• TV Shows
• Cereals
• Fruits and Vegetables
• Famous People

I usually pick Animals, Countries, and Books. In the midst of stressing, I close my eyes (obviously I don’t recommend this if you’re not in a safe place to do so) and just start, with no fanfare. Don’t think about it too much! Just start naming the first things that come to mind.

ANIMALS

Elephants! Quokkas! Bears! Gerbils! Bats! Sparrows! (Oh! I could do a whole other category for birds!) Cats! Dogs! Fainting Goats! Sheep! Squirrels! Cows! Highland cows! Snakes! Alligators! Grasshoppers! Beavers! Muskrats! Rabbits! Field mice! Red pandas! Regular pandas! Sand cat! Fennec Fox!

You can start thinking harder once animals stop flashing automatically in your head, or you can move on to the next category.

Countries!

Kyrgyzstan! Ecuador! Canada! Mexico! Kenya! Angola! Greece! Macedonia! Thailand! Laos! Myanmar! China! New Zealand! Australia! Romania! Botswana! Egypt! United Arab Emirates! Oman! Bhutan! Mongolia! Iceland! Finland! Russia! Turkey! Luxembourg! Etc.

And then move on to the last category!

Books!

Edgar Allen Poe’s Tales of Terror, The Will of the Many, Dungeon Crawler Carl, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Sense and Sensibility, The Passage, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Abhorsen, Slewfoot, The Stand, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Woman in White, A Court of Thorns and Roses, Anita Blake Vampire Hunter. And so on…

And maybe you DO need your mind more engaged and challenged in order to tune everything else out. In that case, try naming items in your category alphabetically. For example, in the fruits and vegetables category, say “apple, banana, carrot, dragon fruit…”

And you know…it works. By the time your brain focuses on naming these random objects, it’s too full to carry the thoughts that are making you crazy. Suddenly you find yourself breathing more fully. You realize you feel more grounded and real and in the moment. Somehow calmness has crept over you.

The beauty of this exercise is that you can be creative and pick whatever category you want. Maybe you only have a moment, so you only name items in one category. Maybe you were able to actually sequester yourself away somewhere alone, and you can go through ten categories.

Whatever works for you.

I hope this helps today if you are finding yourself feeling out of control, stressed, anxious, and overall crazy. And if you do have meds, don’t forget to take them. They are really there to help, too.

Keep on keeping on, friends.