Sorry for the radio silence, folks.

After job hunting full-time since March (including 87+ applications, a dozen interviews in-person and on zoom, as well as multiple scams), I finally landed a job a couple of weeks ago with a trust and estates law firm in California. Despite the arduous one-month process of negotiations that involved sending/receiving over a hundred emails with the recruiter, compiling references from past jobs that apparently no longer give references, completing background checks, having multiple interviews, and going back and forth with the billing department regarding CA taxes, this job was worth the effort. It was exactly what I was looking for because:

• It was a small law firm (I’d only be working for 2 attorneys).
• Both attorneys were super intelligent, savvy women who created a firm that I could only dream of (no old, traditional, good-ol’-boys-club/ white male-dominated law office that still used paper files and had no concept of flexibility). I connected well with both of them and was relieved when they told me they were both happily divorced and immediately invited me into their fold.
• It allowed remote work (which meant I could lie down and still work when I had bad body days).
• It involved trusts and estates law (which is my paralegal niche, and I love working with people on their estate planning, which is wills, trusts, powers of attorney, etc.)
• It was part-time to full-time work (ideal for my health and for easing back into the workplace – plus California allows full-time benefits at just 30 hours a week).
• It gave decent pay ($30 an hour…I made twice that at my last two paralegal jobs in DC, but those days are long gone for me now, I think. Also, DC pay is completely unreasonable anywhere else.)
• They gave me a great schedule (Monday through Thursday, 12 pm – 6 pm).

I’ve never been more excited about a job, except for maybe my first job out of college when I was hired to teach at an international school in Eastern Europe. And I worked my ass off on getting this job. I catered to every request instantly, actually shortened my trip to Pennsylvania visiting family and friends so that I could ensure being in a quiet, non-distracting place for my final interview, and spent hours watching videos and familiarizing myself with their firm software.

When they finally offered me the job, I literally broke down into tears.

I could finally relax after all that stress, energy, and time invested in job hunting and preparing specifically for this job. The relief was overwhelmingly palpable. I told almost everyone!

NOT SO FAST

Last Monday I started work.

Last Wednesday, I was terminated from said work. Yes, I only worked 2 days.

The attorneys ghosted me and just started deactivating my accounts. My recruiter ended up being the one to call me in the middle of one of my training tasks and break the news.

I’m not going to lie. I was in baaaaad shape the next couple of days. Full PTSD reaction, hours of nonstop crying and shaking, abysmal thoughts. Wave after wave of depression just washed over me, and my mom, sister, and friend were all super worried about me.

Everyone’s gut reaction was, “What?! Why?!”

The recruiter said that the attorneys said, “I just wasn’t a good fit for the job.” That I had “technology difficulties” and that I couldn’t “match the pace of the firm.”

Objectively, these reasons were ludicrous.

1. The job was a perfect fit for me and for them. I would have been a huge asset to their estate planning firm because of my experience, extensive knowledge, and passion for the field. The references I was able to scrape together were extremely positive.
2. There were some technological difficulties getting onto their software, but I communicated what was going wrong, took initiative, and fixed the problems myself within a couple of hours. (Besides, it is neither unusual nor egregious to have technology glitches within the first week of onboarding at a new job.)
3. And what do they mean that I couldn’t “meet their pace”? I didn’t have a chance to! They hadn’t even given any assignments to me yet because I was still in training.

It appears that the law firm had hired someone else already because it took the recruiter too long to compile a report of my references. If this is the case, not only did my recruiter let me down, but the attorneys I really respected were just simply cruel. Why did they ever think it was ok to hire me when they already knew they had someone else?

People can just really suck.

DEPRESSION REARS ITS UGLY HEAD

During unfortunate circumstances like these is when it is really hard for me to not slide back into old, negative thought patterns like “I am simply cursed because there is legitimately no logical explanation for why these things happen to me.” And they DO happen. People tell me it’s just for a season, but is it still just a season when it’s been especially rough the past 13 years?

I also think and feel in my bones that “No one wants me/I’m not good enough.” This is mainly referring to my countless job searches over the past two decades, but of course, it regards my ex too, because he still lives inside my head.

The few people I told about the termination (I was embarrassed to tell all the people I had happily informed that I’d gotten the job earlier) responded with either outrage or speechlessness or a shrug and quip of “Oh well, it just wasn’t meant to be.” Whatever the hell that means. My sister said that she “believes something better is coming my way.” Someone else said, “Rachel, it’s just a job for heaven’s sake. You’ll get another.” My mother said not to “let those people take over my brain.” My friend begged, “Please don’t be sad.”

The resounding consensus in times like these tends to be a conglomeration of clichéd ideas of

• when one door closes, another opens
• I am better off not having this job anyway
• this is just for a season and it too shall pass
• God is taking care of me and has a better plan for me
• Stay positive and be grateful

These sayings sound nice but rarely, if ever, address the whole picture. Perhaps are even misguided. I think people feel compelled to say something to make others feel better in their suffering, because, deep down, they just can’t grasp an unjust world. Saying these things comforts them more than it does the other person, if we’re being honest. Going a step further, if they happen to be Christian, they remind themselves and the other person that we have to hope in God’s goodness because otherwise we’d have no hope at all. Because if we don’t have hope, we can’t have faith.

I am not trying to be ungenerous or ungrateful here. I am simply making observations after numerous times that this has been repeated in my life.

Perhaps people’s positivity just far exceeds mine (not unlikely).

Or perhaps they just haven’t suffered enough yet (very possibly).

Regardless, other people seem to truly believe something better is coming, when I can’t see it at all. My life experiences simply have not confirmed this belief.

What other people say or imply or truly believe is just not my reality.

My reality (and sadly, realistically, many, many others’) is that

Life is shitty, rarely makes sense, and is hard as fuck.

IT’S NOT AN EASY THING TO OVERCOME

This job represented so much more to me than “just a job,” and it affected me way more deeply than other people probably thought it should. It has been super triggering to me, and my PTSD, anxiety, and depression all feel like they are blaring sirens in my head and body. I think it’s because

1. It was a culmination of hours and hours of time spent and wasted. For someone who recognizes that my time is finite and I want to make the most of every moment, this is a hard blow. All the job hunting and the energy expended for nothing.
2. It’s simply unfair. And frankly, I’m sick and tired of my life being unfair. It makes me feel so defeated and like there is no point to trying so hard when nothing seems to work out in my favor. (Again, I am not saying that I am right in thinking these things. This is simply a frame of mind that has been beaten into me after years of consistent hardship…it is hard to hope when everything seems so hopeless. I’m not just throwing a pity party. I’m wallowing in typical human fashion. You know you’ve done it too, so please don’t judge me.)
3. I still don’t have a job. I still have no income apart from the little bit of alimony I receive every month, which goes directly to my medical costs.
4. It means I still shouldn’t move out on my own and rent my own place which is what I’ve desperately wanted for months. It also means that I lose the deposit that I put down on an apartment that was becoming available this week, which I really, really wanted and have been actively making plans to move into.
5. What is most triggering is just being reminded of all the times I tried to get a job when I was with my ex. And I failed at all of them in some form or fashion. Either because we moved to a different state, or because I changed careers, or because of COVID, or because of my physical or mental health, or because of a toxic work environment, etc. And he was super unhappy with me, blamed me for not trying hard enough, and wished I was someone else who could have and maintain a career and contribute financially to our family. He left me emotionally at my lowest and worst moments.
6. I recognize this about him, but I also can’t help blaming myself. Despite all the reasons, it was because of me that we disintegrated. This whole experience has just made me think about my ex and my life from before, and it makes me feel like I’m going to fall apart all over again.

7. And that, I think, is the crux of the whole matter. My ability to hold a job is inherently tied to my ability to hold on to my person. To be loved and accepted.

Holding on to a job also represents independence. It shows that I am competent and productive, and contributing to the world around me.

Holding this job represented a huge step for me to move forward and to finally start my own life again. Losing this job makes me feel like I haven’t progressed at all.

ANGELS AND DEMONS

Depression is not logical, but it’s what my brain and body tell me. I honestly have two voices in my head…kind of like the angel sitting on one shoulder and the devil sitting on the other. The angel is talking to me like a reasonable person:

“This is just a setback. You will get back on your feet eventually. Perhaps this was for the best – who knows, they could have just been terrible people to work for/with and I really dodged a bullet.”

The devil is chanting, no, YELLING

“You’re not good enough, you will never hold a job, you will always fail, you are broken, you are such a fuck up!”

These past few months, I’ve gotten really good at ignoring that demonic, depressed voice. But now, when I am vulnerable again, I have nothing to block it out. I can’t help but hear it.

Multi-tasking at it’s finest, right? I can literally think two things at once: “I am a well-educated, experienced, intelligent, hard worker and excellent employee,” and “YOU FAIL AT EVERY JOB”.

It is an ugly, awful war zone in my head right now.

GROUNDING MYSELF IN REALITY

Despite this conflict inside of me, I know I have come a long way.

• I am aware of what I am feeling and why.
• I understand that I did nothing wrong in this situation.
• I realize I am severely triggered.
• I can see that I just want to isolate and give in to the fear.
• I don’t want to be around anyone…not because I don’t love them, but because I can’t help being overwhelmingly sad, and my sadness makes people uncomfortable which then makes them say unhelpful things which then just makes me hurt more.

“Someone always has it worse” and “You have so much to be thankful for, Rachel,” are true statements. I am fully aware of the beautiful moments and the triumphs sprinkled here and there in my life. Things like

• My journey in healing.
• Being close to family and able to engage in their lives again.
• Not being homeless.
• Having a relationship with someone who loves me and cares for me.
• Having wonderful friends and family who only want what’s best for me.
• Not being destitute, even though I’m afraid my money will run out.

• I am SO grateful for all of these things. But the truth is, I can be grateful and also be sad at the same time. It is ok to grieve what could have been and what no longer is.

REPERCUSSIONS OF LOVED ONES’ WORDS

My mom and sister both encouraged me to not let this (losing the job) or them (my employers) ruin all the hard work I’ve put into getting better. And that sparks a little bit of rebellion and anger inside of me instead of just defeated hopelessness. Neither the job nor the people are worth my falling into a deep depression again. And even though I was a little annoyed at first, I now realize that what my mom and sister said is true, even though it’s hard.

I truly appreciate my friends’ and family’s attempts at encouragement because I know each of them loves me dearly and they all mean well. Unfortunately, well-intentioned words often don’t help. They only make things worse in some ways. On top of already feeling terrible, I feel guilty because I know I disappoint them when I can’t “just do” whatever they’ve suggested to feel better.

I am coping the best way I know how (i.e. staying busy), and one of the only reasons I can keep going is because I have people in my life who love and support me. The most helpful thing people have said to me this time around and in the past is “I’m so sorry. This is so unfair/wrong/shitty. I am here with you and am going to help in any way I can to get you through this.”

Or saying nothing and just giving me a hug.

MAY I PLEASE OFFER A SUGGESTION OR TWO?

If you have someone in your life who is struggling/suffering, don’t always feel like you have to say “the right thing”. If you do feel compelled to say something, really think about what you’re saying before you say it. Is it going to be helpful? Would it be helpful to you if you were in a similar situation? Unfortunately, despite our best intentions, when we repeat clichés we’ve heard growing up or are bombarded with in culture, it usually isn’t the right thing to say.

If you’ve experienced a similar hardship, let them know you truly understand how painful this is. If you don’t understand, for the love of God, please don’t act like you do. It only makes the situation worse.

FINALLY

Look out for my next post, which will discuss coping methods – the healthy and the unhelpful ones! I was going to put it in this post, but I realize I’ve already made this long enough. This post is not meant to be a “woe-is-me” tale, and I apologize if it came off that way. It’s just me trying to be real with you guys.

Keep on keeping on, friends. One baby step at a time, if you have to.