Last Wednesday, I was an active volcano, one that exploded with fantastic fire and steam, then burbled black lava grossly for the rest of the day and week.

It wasn’t pretty, and I’m so embarrassed because getting angry is just not a very me thing to do. I’m usually very patient and reasonable and forgiving and understanding…ask anyone who knows me!

But oh, I don’t know…

• all the doctors who don’t believe me and act like I’m crazy when nothing is “wrong” on my tests,
• the injustice of my criminal and civil cases in Africa being delayed and manipulated,
• the injustice of my disability case stalling despite how EVERYONE ELSE and their mother can see that I need it,
• the never-ending pain that swallows and steals whole days from me and keeps me from getting all the things done that I want to do,
• the fact that I have to go behind everyone (specifically, supposed professionals I interact with) and do their job for them,
• the fear I still have of going out in public and going for walks,
• the frustration of not being able to get or keep a job,
• the inability to trust my body (when am I going to fall next, am I going to go blind, when will I be relegated to a wheelchair)…

all these things have just been building and building and building inside me. Ok, maybe understandably. But still. On Wednesday, I admit I went full-on cray-cray. The fact that I fell asleep the night before – before I could take my crazy meds – probably didn’t help.

I yelled at my civil case attorney in a very strongly-worded email (or 2). I was ready to murder the lady on the phone from my bank who couldn’t figure out an international wire transfer because she didn’t know what Namibia was. I forgot to fast for my nerve block procedure and ate a handful of blueberries. Never mind, I ate them in an attempt to try and stop myself from shaking from the PTSD that was raging inside me still from that stupid guy I thought was going to attack me at KJs. Then, when the docs didn’t give me anesthesia like they said they still would, I angrily accused them of purposely lying to me so they could just get me out of the way. I sadly took my frustration out on my boyfriend at home. I cried a lot. I wanted to burn things down to the ground.

I absolutely could not think clearly because everything in my mind was exploding at once.

And I realized…duh. I am really stressed right now.

WHAT IS STRESS?

Well, we tend to think it can be just about anything in life:

expectations (from yourself and others), responsibilities, deadlines, grief and loss, relationships, work, family, finances, health, pain, trauma, etc.

You can probably name a few more. These things are all actually stressORS and triggers. Stress is us responding to these things life dishes out to us, and they can be seen/felt in our emotions, body, and behaviors.

Emotions:AnxietyFearSense of overwhelmGriefTensionDepressionGuiltPanicAngerBody Reactions:muscle tensionpainchest tightnessfast, shallow breathingtremblingGI upsetsleep disturbancetoo much/too little appetiteheadachesBehaviorsangry outburstspanic attacksobsessingisolatingshutting downdissociatingrecklessnessaddictionavoidance

BUT WHAT IS STRESS REALLY?

According to my old therapist, Jon, stress is actually RESISTANCE to the stressors we have in our lives (which is what makes our brains, bodies, and behaviors overreact and melt down).

We don’t like the way things are. We hate how life happens to us. The stress eats away at us.

For me, stress comes from overwhelming circumstances that are beyond my control. The things that stress me out the most are the injustice, unfairness, and inefficiency of our systems.

Resistance/stress, though, is actually not from those triggers at all. It’s from our perception of them. Us resisting comes from us thinking that we should be a certain way, that things should work out for us, we should get the things we deserve, and that life should be different for us.

Essentially, it’s resisting the way things are, though.

It’s denying reality.

And last time I checked, when we deny reality, we are delusional and we all know where that can lead.

Ok, then, so if I’m not resisting stressors, how do I not stress out?

Jon emphasized acceptance. We must accept the world around us for what it is. We must accept that nothing is perfect. We must accept reality, even if we hate it. When we accept, we let go. When we let it go, we don’t stress anymore.

I am certainly not proposing that we just sit around and do nothing. It is absolutely ok to not like the way things are in our lives. Emotions like anger enable us to change and make change. I am not saying that we just roll over and be a victim. But, just like I said in my post, Radical Acceptance, you can fight AND accept. You can fight without allowing the stress and the resistance to kill you.

I honestly forgot all this these past few months. I forgot that I am working on accepting the crazy life I lead and the ridiculous, frustrating humans and systems that don’t work properly around me. I forgot that I don’t have to be a victim to the stressful things around and in me.

HOW TO MANAGE STRESS

Ok, that all might have been a bit esoteric and blown your mind. Because it did mine. Every time I hear and revisit it, my brain blows up. So while we mull it over, what are some things we can do practically to manage our stress? (I promise I am not preaching at you. The following is what has been drilled into me over and over by my therapists, including Jon.)

1. Social Support: gather loved ones around you! Find someone(s) to confide in. Stay busy with meaningful activities in your community or your circle. Get some therapy if you think it will help and you have the means.
2. Basic Needs: make sure you are eating healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising, managing pain, etc.! If our bodies are happy, they will help tremendously in overcoming the stress we feel.
3. Life Balance: Don’t work too much or too little. Schedule time for you. Enjoy the little things and moments that are peppered throughout your day. Remember you are the one who chooses how you will respond to the time that is given you.
4. Emotional Management: Don’t deny or avoid those emotions! We’ve gotta process them or they just fester and poison us. Identify the emotion and figure out why you’re feeling it. Let yourself sit in it and feel it. Give yourself 5 minutes, 15 minutes, whatever works for you. If the emotion is too much to handle, use those healthy coping strategies you’ve been collecting from newsletters like this, books, social media, loved ones, etc. (A coping strategy that really helps me is deep breathing.)

FINALLY,

We all face triggers in our lives that stress us out. That’s just life, and no matter how much we resist it, the reality is that we’re still going to go through stressful situations and circumstances. I think what I’m remembering and realizing, though, is that these stressors and triggers do not have to define my life. My resisting them is not helping me mentally, emotionally, physically, or behaviorally. That person on Wednesday? I don’t want to be her. And I don’t have to be. Whitney from one of my therapy groups once said, “Everything around you reflects your state of mind.” We don’t get to choose what life throws at us. But we do get to choose our state of mind.

Keep on keeping on, friends.