After being hacked a few weeks ago because of responding to an organization’s request for a job interview after I applied, I have finally decided I am done. Done trying to find a part-time, remote, flexible job that barely makes any money but that will make me feel useful. And thankfully, my boyfriend is on board and is supportive and said in exasperation, “Why don’t you just focus on your writing? Like make it into a job?” I laughed a little. Knowing it would make life much easier with having a second income, even if it’s wimpy, I said, “You know, EVEN if I somehow get published, it is going to be a looooong time before I actually make any money.” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “But it will make you happy.” I tear up just writing this.

So, despite the back procedures and surgery and pain and hacking nightmare and my beloved grandfather who is dying this summer…I have still managed to write. I have a little ritual in the morning, where I sit at my desk, make sure I have coffee in my special mug that a friend gave me, light a candle, close my eyes and do a breathing exercise while reminding myself I am a good writer and will become a better writer every day. Or I tell myself that my words can make a difference. And then I start writing. Here’s a picture of my set-up.

The candle says, “And one day the girl with the books became the woman writing them,” which I bought from Etsy, and I found the raven at a local home goods store, which I obviously named Poe. He stands solidly as my inspiration.

Anyway. First thing in the morning, I’ve been writing a poem, usually from one of Poemancer’s or Writer’s.com prompts. And then I move on to my fantasy novel, which I’m about a third of the way through my first draft. I try to leave one day a week free for Substack, writing notes and posts. Sometimes I just can’t pull myself away from my book, though.

This morning, I was writing this in response to a poetry prompt and thought I’d share it in hopes it will encourage you too.

“Victims”

It’s taken a long time

And a long way, but

I’ve decided NOT to die

NOT to give in

NOT to be a victim.

Oh, trust me, I’ve been a victim,

over and over from evil men,

self-engrossed husbands, abusive

fiancées, egotistical doctors,

religious fanatics, etc.

I’ve been a victim to my own

Body working against me,

My own brain straining

Over a perfect aggregate

Of genetics, abandonment,

Low self-image, death, suicide,

Rape, constant pain, and

Progressive disability.

Being a victim, being a flagon

Of collected trauma and PTSD

seems hopeless. 

Meds and therapy and shrinks and

TMS and ketamine are thrown

At me like rounds of

Ammunition in an M2 carbine.

Sometimes one of them hits

the target. Sometimes none.

Then thoughts of death creep

In, not because I want to die,

But because I don’t know

If my mind and heart and body

Can take the unbearable pain anymore.

When I no longer feel like I

Can control the awful things

That surge towards me like a

Magnet, when all I do fails to make

Me better, when I truly feel hopeless

And helpless, I swallow my defeat

And simply give in to the fear

And the terror that clogs

and chokes me without mercy.

Until I hear a voice one day say,

“You may have no control over

your circumstances. Hell, you

may feel like you have no control

at all. But I promise you’re wrong.”

“What? What do you mean?”

I ask in return.

“You can choose not to be a victim.”

“But I am a victim.”

“Yes, but you can choose not to

Be ruled by your victimhood.

Suffering is optional.”

I scoff, laugh outright.

Even get angry for a moment.

I ponder long and hard.

I make a list of all the things I

Can still control. I can choose

What I eat, who I visit with,

What I write about.

I can choose what I’m wearing

That day, which book to read,

Where to take a walk,

Whether to rescue a

frog or a gecko from

the maws of my cat.

I can choose to be kind

to the old man fumbling

with his keys, to listen

to the person telling me

their pain, to hug my loved

ones for not giving up on me.

Maybe these are tiny,

insignificant choices,

But they’re mine.

The voice continues.

“Victimhood is a mindset. We’re

Not debating on whether you’ve

Dealt with enough shit to qualify

As a victim. Your story and many

Others’ proves you are a victim

Many times over. But AFTER

The traumatic incident, AFTER

The possible life-and-death

Moments, AFTER the chaos that

Rips you in two, how do you

Perceive yourself and the

World around you?”

I scratch my head. Feel like

Fireworks are popping off in

My brain that already doesn’t

Work well these days. “Ummm,”

I respond nonbrilliantly.

“If you have a victim mindset,

You will be uncommitted to

Change, passive to your own healing.

You will fall into the old game

Of blame and have the thoughts

“I deserve/I don’t deserve”

Marching as an unhelpful mantra.

This is the easiest mindset to

Fall under, and that’s why most

Of us do it. But this mindset

makes you miserable. It ruins

your future, your potential.”

I recognize this in myself and

Recoil. “So, instead I should…?”

“No shoulds. No tries. Tell

yourself every day that you WILL

Work on having a champion

Mindset. One that is active, that

Takes ownership and responsibility.

One that recognizes living

In paradox is the only way you can

Live. One that chooses to live

With intention, making choices that

Serve you. You have to want to

Get out of your victim story.”

Things seem to fall into place.

Understanding dawns.

“But…but I don’t think I can

Get over this. I think I am too

Broken to be repaired or even

haphazardly stitched back together

in some semblance of me.”

The voice says, “Instead of

I can’t get over this, reality tells us

I can’t get over this in the timeframe

That I want. Changing your mindset

Is not instantaneous. It’s a process.

A journey. It’s becoming less

Attached to your thoughts, not letting

Pain control your perception, and

Giving healing time. It’s working

Every day towards these things

With intention and self-compassion.

You will fall back some days and

wallow in your victimhood.

Because you are human.

But at the end of the day,

no matter what anyone does to you,

no matter what happens to you,

you can choose life over death,

action over helplessness,

Survival over victimhood.

You, my dear, are a warrior. A survivor.

No one can take that from you.”

And the voice is right.

Keep on keeping on, Friends.